Death of a cheese sandwich
by Metal Madness
Summary: Luigi goes on a surreal quest to avenge his cheese sandwich, but uncovers a much more... weird plot taking place. Chapter 9 up, and he took the sandwich? Oh, well there you go.
1. The weirdness begins

Disclaimer: I don't own Mario and his merry men, Nintendo does. 

Luigi walked over to his fridge. He was in good spirits, Bowser had been defeated again, Mario had invested in another sport and Luigi had a cheese sandwich waiting for him in his fridge. Cheese sandwiches were Luigi's favourite type of sandwich, it was a combination of bread and cheese, pure perfection! This sandwich was even better than your normal cheese sandwich though, it had Branston pickles on it! Luigi licked is lips in anticipation. He opened the fridge, but then, to his horror.

"Oh my god! Someone has eaten my cheese sandwich!" Luigi screamed. He picked up the fridge and chucked it across the room. "Who would do something so despicably evil! Who could steal a cheese sandwich, and still be able to look at themselves in the morning? This is worse than that time I found Toad in my mushroom casserole!" Luigi continued to shout such claims for three days, before running into a corner and sobbing quietly. It was then that Mario returned from his day of 'Mario Rugby.

"That Bowser has quite a tackle!" Mario claimed, before noticing Luigi crying in the corner. "Hay Luigi, what's the matter? Mario asked.

"Someone ate my cheese sandwich!" Luigi replied between sobs. Mario nodded.

"Okay dokay..." Mario answered unsurely. Luigi instantly stopped crying and stood up.

"You're right! I need to hunt down the bastard who did this!" Luigi claimed, making Mario more confused.

"I didn't say anything like that." Mario pointed out.

"Yes! I will squish him into many small pieces with a mega mushroom!" Mario realised that Luigi wasn't listening to a word he was saying and went upstairs.

"Whatever Luigi"

"Of course I will pick up your dry cleaning, but first, to find the cheese sandwich murderer!" Luigi struck a heroic pose.

"Do you have any idea who did it?" Mario called down the stairs. Luigi instantly dropped the heroic pose.

"Errr... no. I will some however!" Luigi then ran over to the fridge, which was half broken after being chucked across the room. Luigi opened the fridge, only to get hit by the door (like always). After shaking off the shock of causing a fridge door to hit himself, Luigi put his detective skills to the test as he searched for clues within the fridge. After a hour of finding nothing he got angry and randomly attacked the fridge with a near by chainsaw.

"I really think it was a bad idea to buy that chainsaw." Mario muttered after hearing the chainsaw sounds. He then returned to his book, 'Peach and prejudice'. Meanwhile, Luigi was still trying to destroy the fridge. He had finished using the chainsaw and was now using a mini gun. Luigi then notice something fall out of the practically destroyed fridge.

"What's this?" Luigi asked no one. He picked up the object and examined it. "It looks like a crown. Peach!" Luigi tossed the crown to the floor and darted out of the house.

"Actually..." Mario started, before realising Luigi had already run off. "Oh, figure it out yourself then." Mario grumbled, then returned to his book.

Luigi sprinted across the grassy terrain towards Princess Peach's castle. After getting roughly a mile forwards, Luigi got tired, walked back to the house and got into his car, which he drove to the castle a lot faster than he could run.

After driving through the fairly barren fields of the mushroom kingdom and driving over a couple of toads, just because he could get away with it, Luigi arrived at Princess Peach's castle. He got out of the car and stormed into the castle. Oddly no one tried to stop him, despite the fact he was carrying a machine gun. He quickly made it to the doors which opened to Peach's bedroom, who a passing toad had stupidly told Luigi Peach was in. In front of the doors stood Toadsworthy.

"Ah, master Luigi! What a pleasure to see you! Pray tell, why are here?" Toadsworthy asked, seemingly unaware of the gun Luigi was carrying.

"I'm going to go in there and kill Peach for eating my cheese sandwich!" Luigi yelled. Toadsworthy gave Luigi a odd look.

"You're avenging a cheese sandwich? Okay, whatever, as long as you kill the bitch!" Toadsworthy stepped out of the way. Luigi looked confused at how easily Toadsworthy had let him get in.

"Why do you want me to kill Peach?" Luigi asked.

"Think about it, she's a princess, which means she rules us by birthright. Now, if we had a democracy, I would have a shot at being the princess!" Toadsworthy explained.

"I though you were prime minister, doesn't that give you most of the power anyway?" Luigi asked.

"I don't have all the power though, and who ever said I was the prime minister?" Toadsworthy replied. Luigi shrugged.

"I guess it was applied." Luigi realised he was actually hurting his chances of revenging his sandwich, and went on into Peach's bedroom. "See you later Toadsworthy"

"Up a bit, down a bit, right, right, RIGHT! THAT'S IT! THAT'S IT!" Peach screamed as Luigi walked in.

"Peach, you're getting a bit too much into that operation game." Luigi pointed out. Peach looked up at Luigi, slightly surprised.

"Luigi? How did you get past Toadsworth?" Peach questioned. "With a gun"

"I would fire him, if you survive!" Luigi tried to sound threatening when he said the last bit, but he didn't pull it off well. Peach gave him an odd look.

"Why wouldn't I survive?" She asked. Luigi jumped onto her and held his gun so it was poking her in the face.

"I am here to avenge my cheese sandwich, which you ate!" Luigi's face had suddenly become red with anger. For some reason Peach didn't look very scared.

"You're here to what? I didn't eat your cheese sandwich!" Peach claimed. Luigi pushed his gun even closer.

"liar!" He shouted. Peach pushed Luigi off with very little effort. Luigi tumbled onto the floor. His gun fell somewhere under Peach's bed. "There goes my plan." Luigi muttered.

"Listen Luigi, no one cares about your stupid sandwich"

"Blasphemy!" Luigi claimed. Peach took very little notice.

"If you haven't noticed Luigi, everyone is suddenly acting out of character!" Peach pointed out. Luigi had lost interest and was searching under Peach's bed for his gun.

"Prove this point, using at least three examples." Luigi picked something up from under Peach's bed. "A thong? You own a thong?" Luigi studied it slightly. "An edible thong?" Peach went slightly red and snatched away the thong.

"You wanted examples right?" Peach tried to change the subject. "Well, Toadsworthy wants me to die, I haven't be captured and can figure out the obvious, and you have become a complete idiot"

"Why do you have a picture of Link under here?" Luigi was still rummaging under Peach's bed.

"You also seem to have a short attention span." Peach walked up to her bed, grabbed Luigi's leg and pulled him out. Luigi was busy messing with a bra he had found. "I need an underwear draw." Muttered Peach.

"Well this is all fine and good, but if you didn't steal my cheese sandwich, who did?" Asked Luigi.

"I can only think of one person who has regular access to your fridge Luigi." Peach claimed. Luigi went into deep thought for a minute.

"Wario?"

"Wario doesn't have regular access to your fridge!" Peach was getting agitated. Luigi went into thought for another minute.

"I'm off to kill Wario." Claimed Luigi. He took out his machine gun, which he had found under the bed earlier, and ran off.

"I really need to find out what's causing this out of character crap." Muttered Peach, just before Toadsworthy ran in carrying an axe.

It took Luigi a hour to get to Diamond City. Luigi drove around the City, not quite knowing which house was Wario's.

"Disco, Taxi place, school, Japanese building of some sort, mountain top house, dog driving a taxi, ice cream pallor. Oh! Ice cream!" Luigi stopped his car (causing a major pile up), and ran into the ice cream pallor. Inside a red haired girl served him. Luigi noticed the girl giving him peculiar looks. After being served his ice cream, the girl spoke to him.

"Do you by any chance know Wario?" Mona asked.

"He's my brother's evil double." Replied Luigi. "Who are you"

"A friend of your brother's evil double." Responded Mona. Luigi's face lit up slightly.

"Then you know were he lives!" Mona nodded.

"On that big hill thing." Luigi smiled and turned away. Everywhere suddenly became very dark.

"Now I can go and kill him for eating my cheese sandwich!" Luigi laughed to himself.

"You're going to do what!" Shouted Mona, making everywhere become light again. "You can't do that, I love him!" Mona instantly grabbed her own mouth.

"Someone loving Wario? Maybe this out of character thing is more serious than Peach made it out to be..." Luigi thought aloud.

"Sure, out of character, we'll go with that." Mona agreed. Luigi got up and looked into the sky for no particular reason.

"It is my duty to solve this mystery of what has happened to our personalities..." Luigi sat down again. "Screw it. I only care about my cheese sandwich." Luigi got up again and went to his car.

"Didn't he want his ice cream?" Mona questioned no one.

When Luigi arrived at Wario's home he realised there was no way to actually get up to the house (as can be seen in the Wario Ware manual). After a hour of careful thought, Luigi realised he had started to think about a movie full of exploding gypsies and tried to return his thoughts to figuring a way up to Wario's house. Failing this Luigi tried to get Wario's attention by shouting at his house. He continued this method for two days, until his throat tried to strangle itself. Luigi ran off to get a glass of water, came back and started throwing buckets of water at the hill thing in an attempt to erode it away. After the two hundredth bucket Luigi paused.

"Have I become even more stupid than before?" Luigi asked himself. His suspicion was confirmed when he noticed the elevator to take him up to Wario's house.

Luigi burst into Wario's house. In no time flat he managed to find the wobbling piece of lard that was Wario. "Now to avenge my..." Luigi paused mid sentence when he saw Wario. "Oh my god, you really are out of character!"


	2. People randomly become evil

Disclaimer: Nintendo own Mario and his gang of weirdoes. 

Before Luigi no longer stood the Wario everyone had come to know and hate, but the picture of elegance. Gone were his mustard stained dungarees, in there place a fine suit. He also had a monocle and top hat for no good reason.

"Wario! What has happened to you?" Luigi asked, his face coated in confusion (and water from the last chapter). Wario laughed slightly.

"My dear moron, I have simply embraced the out of character-ness that has befallen me after an incident of unknown origin, purpose and well, I don't know a thing about what happened actually." Wario explained. Luigi didn't quite understand what Wario had said, but presumed it went along the lines of 'I'm Wario, I'm a big dope who thinks Luigi is a god on earth'. Luigi started laughing to himself. Wario rose an eyebrow. "Luigi, are you by any chance losing Intelligence Quotient at a dramatic rate"

"Yes, I was just elected king of everything!" Luigi answered, despite the fact no one had asked.

"What are you talking about you cretin? King of everything is a title you get by birthright." Wario sighed and walked towards a window. "Anyway, I presume you are here to decease my diabolical plan"

"No, actually I'm here to avenge my cheese sandwich. Wait, you've come up with a Diana-boil-call plan!" Luigi asked surprised.

"Well everyone says I'm a bad guy, so I might as well bloody well act like one!" Wario shouted, "and what's this nonsense about a cheese sandwich?" Luigi's face turned red with anger.

"Nonsense! Why you little..." Luigi reached into his pocket and pulled out... nothing. Luigi looked at his empty hand. "Oh no, I must have left my gun at Peach's place!" Grumbled Luigi.

At Peach's palace Toadsworth had found the machine gun.

"Come out, come out, where ever you are..." Muttered Toadsworth as he looked for Peach, who had gone into hiding after he ran after her with an axe. Toadsworth heard shuffling in the closet and filled it with lead, much to the dismay of the Toad and his girlfriend within (I'll let you guess what they were doing, here's a hint, it included root beer). "Alright then, gloat away." Luigi found a seat and sat down. He also got out a dictionary just in case.

"Very well." Wario walked up to a giant gun Luigi hadn't noticed before. "I plan on using this weapon of unimaginable destructive possibilities to force the mushroom government to submit to my commands for great amounts of wealth. I will then play the stock markets correctly, until I rule the global economy!" Wario then proceeded to laugh in a typical evil manner. Luigi rolled his eyes.

"Even I know that won't work. Who has ever become rich from the stock market?" Wario continued to smile.

"Ah, but I have an ace up my sleeve..." Wario claimed.

"Really? Me to!" Luigi exclaimed excitably. "I was planning on cheating in poker"

"I was speaking metaphorically." Wario explained.

"Really? Sounded like English to me." Luigi replied. Wario decided to continue before he went to off topic.

"I shall make the money off the stock market by using this cannon to blow up any opposition to the 'Toad inc.' and then buying all there stock! It is a plan of overwhelming intellectual genius!" Wario laughed again.

"Wait a minute..." Luigi was suddenly struck with a thought. It took him a second to figure out what he had been hit by though. "How come you are more out of character than anyone else? Except possibly Toadsworth..." Luigi pondered. Wario shrugged.

"Maybe the cause of this out of character incident is closer to Diamond city than the Mushroom Kingdom." Wario suggested. Luigi stroked his chin.

"If that's true then only one person can be behind this." Luigi claimed. "Daisy"

"Daisy! What are you talking about? It is obviously..." Luigi interrupted Wario.

"I can't believe Daisy would do such a thing." Luigi muttered. "Anyway, I need to kill you for eating my sandwich!" Luigi quickly reached onto a table and tried to pick up some sort of threatening object. After deciding not to pick up a knife, gun, grenade, small nuclear device or oversized hammer, he picked up one of Wario's old socks.

"Are you going to do that terrible 'deadly weapon because they smell so much' cliché now?" Wario asked.

"Well, I was, but you just ruined it for me. Thanks allot." Luigi mumbled. He grudgingly put back the sock and took the gun. "I'll do it the old fashioned way then." Luigi grumbled.

"Maybe I should use this window of opportunity before you blast me to explain that I did not eat your beloved cheese sandwich." Wario stated.

"And why should I believe you?" Luigi questioned.

"Why would you have reason not to?" Wario replied. Luigi then realised Wario had never actually lied to him.

"Good point. Where did you get this bad reputation from?" Luigi asked.

"Thank you! It's about time people realised I'm not that bad a guy!" Wario shouted.

"Aren't you trying to rule the global economy though"

"I'm out of character right now, remember?" Luigi nodded in acceptance of the answer.

"Now that we have this cleared up, can you vacate the vicinity?" Wario gestured at the door. Luigi remained where he was.

"Before I leave we have to think up who could have stolen my cheese sandwich! It has become tradition!" Luigi claimed.

"Fine!" Wario sounded angrily. "Considering who is the only person with access to your food storage, I'll blame..."  
"Bet it was Daisy." Luigi suddenly announced, obviously not listening to Wario. "I can stop her evil plan to make us all out of character at the same time."  
"Luigi, how could you have possibly linked Daisy to these two scandals?" Wario was slowly being drove insane by the obnoxiousness of Luigi.

"I just remembered that crown from earlier in my fridge." Luigi replied.

"You mean that novelty cake Mario got for his birthday?" Luigi thought back to the crown he had found.

"That would explain the bite in it, but nether the less..." With that, Luigi ran off, but not before tripping over his own foot into the gun's self destruct button.

"Self destruct whenever the hell I feel like self destructing." A feminine voice coming from nowhere claimed.

"I can't remember why I put that button on the gun." Wario muttered.

Luigi had been driving around in his car for three hours before he realised he had no idea where Daisy actually ruled. At first he tried calling her to find out, but the mobile he had brought was actually a disturbingly discoloured brick. Next he looked at a map. This was of no help as there was no signs with 'Daisy's kingdom' on it. In desperation Luigi began trying to use the brick as a phone. Surprisingly he managed to get through to the police, but no one else. After randomly swearing into the sky, Luigi took his frustration out on a Duck, using a gun. However he missed the duck, making a dog pop out of nowhere and laugh at him, so he shoot the dog. Slightly calmer now, Luigi decided to just go to the only kingdom he didn't know the ruler of. It was then Luigi realised he knew a surprising amount of royalty for a plumber, but didn't bother thinking to hard about it, his brain still hurt from his conversation with Wario. He simply got in his car and set off for the 'yet to be named' kingdom.

Luigi noticed something strange about the 'yet to be named' kingdom, namely it was the Mushroom kingdom, except completely different colours. Luigi decided to overlook the unoriginality of the land in favour of running over a few more Toads. Besides, he wasn't going to be here long.

"Welcome to Daisy's castle!" Greeted a Toadsworth with green spots on his head.

"Thank you... toad... dude." Luigi replied.

"The names Toadington. Don't bother introducing yourself, I know the famous Mario when I see him"

"LUIGI! I'M LUIGI! You see the bloody 'L' on my cap, I doesn't stand for Lario you know!" Luigi then shot Toadington and went on his way.

When Luigi entered Daisy's room, she seemed happy to see him.

"Luigi! How'd you get in? Nether mind, I think I've finally found out how to squash all these rumours about us dating"

"I don't think I hear any out of characterness, you must be guilty!" Luigi shouted, pointing his gun at Daisy. An angry Daisy snapped her fingers.

"Drat, Peach heard about my plan." She muttered. Luigi lowered his weapon slightly.

"What plan?" Luigi asked. Daisy, obviously unaware that if she shut up now she could get away with her scheme, pressed a small button which was just there. The wall behind her opened up showing more weapons of mass destruction than everyone thought Iraq had.

"I plan on invading the Mushroom Kingdom!" Daisy exclaimed.

"Why is everyone turning evil in this chapter! Is the author really that stuck for ideas!" Shouted Luigi. Daisy rose one of her eyebrows.

"Pardon"

"Sorry, I thought I might be in a book again." Luigi claimed.

"Good for you. Well Luigi, you have seen to much." Daisy announced in a cold voice.

"Are you going to have me killed?" Luigi asked, pointing his gun at Daisy again.

"No, I was going to put a blindfold on you so you didn't see any more of this stuff, but that is a good idea!" Luigi, still smart enough to realise when to kill, shoot Daisy. Unfortunately the gun was empty.

"Only three bullets! Damn you Wario!" Shouted Luigi into the sky.

"Not my fault!" The sky shouted back.

"Now how to kill you..." Daisy muttered to herself. "I could just shoot you, but that would be boring, how about some form of aquatic creature eating you"

"Look, I've already tangled with one character turned evil today, can I just revenge my cheese sandwich and go?" Luigi asked.

"Never! Especially that non-logical rubbish about that sandwich." Daisy replied. "Take him to the dungeon!" Daisy ordered two toads who just happened to be there with rifles. The two Toads followed the orders and threw Luigi into the dungeon.

When Luigi landed in the dungeon he noticed Waluigi in the cell next to him.

"Hay evil clone!" Luigi waved at him. Waluigi grudgingly walked over to Luigi.

"What are you doing here?" Waluigi asked.

"Came to avenge my cheese sandwich, you"

"Wario paid Daisy to lock me in here, so I wouldn't appear in the Wario Ware series." Waluigi explained.

"Oh. So... you gone out of character recently?" Luigi inquired.

"Hard to tell, I never had a personality." Waluigi replied. Luigi nodded.

"Feel like breaking out?" Luigi asked casually.

"Not really, the dungeon cook's make three course meals and having a toilet next to the bed is just convenient"

"Yeah okay"

Luigi stayed in the dungeon for a week. Oddly enough, within this time Daisy didn't make any move to take over the Mushroom kingdom. Luigi and his evil double ganger enjoyed the five star meals, swimming pool and Simpson DVD box sets. It was then something really weird happened...


	3. The Yoshis of DOOM! DOOM I tell you! DOO...

Disclaimer: I don't own Mario and his fellow stooges, Nintendo do. 

The walls began to crumble, the room began to shake, everything just began to collapse on itself. Luigi and Waluigi looked at each over and knew instantly what to do, hide under there beds and whimper about how they were going to die. From upstairs the screams of Toads being torn apart and doors being blown open were heard. The sound of countless feet stamping down the stairs echoed above the screaming and death. One of the creatures behind this chaos jumped into the room and tore apart one of the guards. The others screamed and ran, while another fell on her knees and began crying about the death of her one love who had shown her class shouldn't get in the way of love and had helped her leave behind her aristocrat life for that of a guards.

"I don't believe it!" Muttered Luigi. "It's the Yoshis!" Sure enough, Daisy's castle had been attacked by the savage Yoshis, who were currently over running the castle killing anything that moved, and allot of stuff which didn't. Luigi and Waluigi watched as the Yoshi kill that Toad I mentioned earlier in such a gruesome way, it is not possible to write it down in words, but lets just say a knife, cheese grater, egg and root beer were involved.

"Don't make a sound." Luigi ordered. However, Yoshi heard Luigi passing his useless advice and began trying to claw his way into the cell. This frightened Waluigi so much that he jumped up, hitting his head on the bed and knocking himself unconscious. Luigi wasn't scared as he had become preoccupied by a speck of dust. The Yoshi quickly realised the cell was unlocked and barged in. The Yoshi, blood dripping from his mouth, charged straight at Luigi. He raised his circular fingers, bared his rather flat teeth and pounced on Luigi. The Yoshi landed on top of the bed, the pounce missing because you can't really pounce on something under a bed. "I can't believe this speck of dust! It is so amazing!" Luigi claimed, still unaware of the danger he was in. The Yoshi clawed at the bed, feverishly trying to get to the mostly fresh meat underneath. "Hay, I don't remember bringing a shotgun!" Luigi took a sawn off shotgun out of his dungaree pocket and started looking it over. The Yoshi tore the bed in two and roared at Luigi, who accidentally threw the shotgun at the Yoshi. It hit it's nose and enraged it even more. "Shit!" Luigi swore as he finally noticed the Yoshi and desperately tried to shot the thing. However he hadn't put the safety off and was as good as dead. He would have died as well, but if he did the rest of this story would be even more illogical, so Waluigi gained his consensus thanks to my plot device powers.

"Where am I?" Waluigi grumbled, briefly distracting the Yoshi, giving Luigi the time to club it to death with his shotgun.

"We've got to get out of here!" Exclaimed Luigi.

"Thank you Luigi! I would never have guessed that. Bastard." Waluigi sarcastically replied. Luigi took it literally.

"Well be glad I'm here. Come on!" Luigi ran off up the stairs, followed closely by Waluigi. The two got to the top of the stairs when they saw that the main corridor, which they were now in, was filled with so many Yoshis that God himself would have looked on opened mouthed, wondering how he had managed to create so many Yoshis.

"SHIT!" The two plumbers shouted, which was a very bad idea as it alerted all the Yoshis to there presence.

"Quick, pretend your a baby, Yoshis seem to love babies!" Luigi told Waluigi.

"How do we do that with these moustaches!" Waluigi asked.

"I don't suppose you have a shaver?" Luigi glance back at the Yoshis. They were coming closer.

"Why would I have a shaver?" Waluigi replied.

"Well, maybe we could just be babies with moustaches, there not that uncommon"

"Forget the bloody baby plan!" Waluigi shouted, becoming more tense with the oddly slow moving death getting closer.

"Do you have a better plan?" Luigi asked, sounding hurt by what Waluigi had said.

"Well, no." Waluigi admitted.

"Then shut up!" Luigi shouted.

"Oh, come on Luigi, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings"

"Well you did. I put allot of thought into that plan and all you do is diss it." Luigi turned his back to Waluigi.

"It was nothing personal, I just think we could come up with something better." Waluigi claimed.

"Oh, nothing is good enough for you!" Luigi turned around and shouted at his evil version. Just then a Yoshi which had miscalculated a pounce flew over there heads. "Oh yeah, the killer Yoshis." Luigi and Waluigi looked over at them, to find them still slowly advancing.

"Why are they suddenly so slow?" Waluigi questioned.

"All horror movie monsters, and apparently Yoshis, slow down when the protagonist needs to think." Luigi claimed.

"No they don't" Replied Waluigi.

"Well maybe they just want to keep there distance from that turret over there." Luigi suggested, pointing at the turret right next to them. Waluigi looked at the turret and smiled.

"I have a plan!" Waluigi shouted excitedly.

"Bet my baby plan was better." Luigi claimed. Waluigi ignored the sulking Luigi and jumped into the turret. Luigi understood the plan and followed Waluigi into the giant gun. "Good thinking Waluigi! They'll never get us in here! Now if only we had some way to get rid of them..." Luigi pondered, leaning on the turret's firing mechanism.

"Yes, if we only had, say, a large gun which you happen to be leaning on." Waluigi sarcastically replied.

"Yeah, that would sweet." Luigi sighed. "Wait a minute..." Luigi began pondering.

"In your own time." Waluigi pulled out a magazine, 'Whaaaaaaa monthly', and waited for Luigi to figure out the obvious way they could attack the ferocious Yoshis.

"We will use the turret to attack them!" Luigi suddenly shouted. He then looked around and realised it was three days later and Waluigi and the Yoshis had all gone off. "Or not." Luigi added. "Who the hell am I talking to?" Luigi got out of the turret and explored the nearly demolished castle. The entire castle was deserted apart from the body parts that littered the corridors. The loneliness gave Luigi time to think. Where had Waluigi gone? Where was he going? Why was there a turret in the middle of a corridor? What type of articles would be in 'Whaaaaaaa monthly'? Why didn't he just make another cheese sandwich? These thoughts dwindled in Luigi's mind for about two seconds each, leaving after they felt lonely.

Luigi opened a huge pair of doors into the throne room. The room had suffered greatly from the Yoshi attack. You could barley see the walls as they were covered in yolk. In the middle of the room, breathing heavily, was Daisy. Luigi walked up to her, to realise half of her had been eaten.

"Ew, nasty." Luigi remarked. The top half of Daisy grabbed Luigi by the dungaree pocket.

"Luigi! I am dying!" Daisy announced.

"Even I could tell that." Luigi remarked.

"But I have yet to name a heir to the throne of the 'yet to be named' kingdom, and seeing as your here..." Daisy took the crown off her head.

"Wait a minute, your just a princess, I don't they need heirs"

"I'm a queen as of two days ago when a Yoshi ate my mum." Daisy explained.

"Oh. Hay, congratulations, you lasted shorter than that Lady Jane Grey woman." Luigi took the crown from Daisy.

"Now, we really need Toadington to make this official." Daisy explained.

"He got eaten by a Yoshi." Luigi lied.

"Whatever, I pronounce you King Luigi." Daisy crowned Luigi. Luigi tried to balance the crown on top of his green hat, but in the end put it underneath.

"This is all nice and well, but I still have to avenge my cheese sandwich!" Luigi got out a small list. "And were running out of interesting characters to use"

"Maybe it was Peach? If you are going to blame her would you take some of these bombs with you?" Daisy asked hopefully.

"Already done her. Besides, I think Toadsworth has properly killed her by now"

However Luigi was wrong as Peach had still kept out of Toadworth's grasp. Toadworth had got bored of trying to find her and was burning the castle down in hopes of smoking her out.

"I really should have burned the castle from the outside." Toadsworth told himself as he stood in the burning lobby. "Ah well, what are you going to do"

"You could always use a fire extinguisher." A near by Toad suggested, trying to put out his friend. Toadsworth promptly shot the Toad for judging the way he did things. He then shot the other Toad for burning without a permit.

"It must have been Donkey Kong?" Luigi claimed.

"Why him?" Daisy asked.

"First name to come to my head." Luigi admitted.

"Fine whatever, just let me die in peace!" Daisy shouted. Luigi obeyed, but not before raiding her fridge (He hadn't eaten since he began this quest.

Luigi was on the road again, but this time he was confronted by a rather large problem, namely nobody knew where Donkey Kong was. He and Diddy had muttered something about Bongos and left. They had obviously gone to the jungle, but there was roughly a dozen jungles in the Mushroom Kingdom, all with similar, Donkey Kong related names. Finding Donkey Kong would be like finding a oddly small needle in a haystack twice the size of earth, or something like that. Luigi decided he had already wasted enough time in the turret and wouldn't waste any more exploring each jungle in turn. There had to be an easy way to find him. Luigi pulled out his map and studied it.

"Lets see..." Luigi muttered. "There's the Kongo Jungle, DK Jungle, DK island, DK mass cooperate office, the Konga, Bongo Jungle, Jungley Jungle... wait a minute! Donkey Kong muttered something about Bongo's when he left, and there's the Bongo Jungle, meaning he must be in the Kongo Jungle!" Luigi put away his map and hopped in his car. he pushed down on the accelerator as hard as possible, and drove into a tree. "Crap! Why will nothing go my way!" Luigi complained, despite the fact he had just become a king. He climb out of the Car/tree and looked around. He was in the middle of a large, lonely road, there was no one around for miles. Luigi sighed and began walking. After three steps he became exhausted and collapsed onto the floor. "I think I'll take a quick nap first." Luigi muttered sleepily.

Luigi woke up a day later with many tire tracks over him. He was also not in the middle of the road anymore, he was in the back of some truck.

"Hmmm, either I have been kidnapped, or I have been mistaken as garbage and been shoved on the back of a garbage truck." Luckily for Luigi, he had been mistaken as a piece of garbage and was on a garbage truck. He easily over powered the driver and took over the truck. He then headed for the Kongo Jungle, albeit rather slowly considering garbage truck's aren't known for there speed. Luigi began pondering on his journey what has happened to Donkey Kong. Had he become evil? A posh stereotype? A banana? However, Luigi could never have guessed or prepared for what had become of Donkey Kong.


	4. DK is our Jar jar, sort of

Disclaimer: Nintendo own Mario and his legion of minions 

My little note: I apologise if you like Chavs, but I don't. Also all of D.K's dialogue is technicallyspelt right considering there is no proper way to spell 'hiz-house'.

Luigi finally made it to the Kongo jungle. It had been a long journey, but Luigi had sustained himself with the assortment of food he found in the black bags the garbage truck carried. As he entered the jungle he heard a beat coming from within. However, this wasn't the beat that came out of a bongo. No, it sounded more synchronised, it repeated itself way too much and above all, it was annoying. Almost instantly Luigi realised what was going on. What had happened to Donkey Kong.

"No, no..." Luigi jumped out of the garbage truck, forgetting to first stop it, and ran towards the sound, ignoring the loud crash coming from the truck hitting a tree. Luigi was getting closer the sound, always running and tripping over tree roots. Soon Luigi came to a clearing. What stood before Luigi was the scariest thing he had ever seen. "D.K has become a Chav!" Luigi screamed. Donkey Kong, who now sported a ridiculous amount of gold jewellery, sunglasses and a 'do-rag', turned to see Luigi.

"Yo, my main homey Luigi is in da hiz-house!" D.K claimed. Luigi cringed slightly. D.K came over to him and slapped him on the shoulder, causing Luigi to fall under the weight. "So, my peep, what brings you to ma crib?" D.K asked. Luigi tried to back away from him.

"Please can you stop talking like that, just talk normally." Luigi begged.

"This is the 'in' thing my man!" Donkey Kong announced.

"Then why haven't I heard anyone else in this entire story talking like that then?" Luigi questioned.

"There all uncool." D.K replied.

"So everyone is uncool... except you? Even I can tell that logic is flawed." Luigi was thankful he was going to kill the mad gorilla soon. D.K seemed upset by Luigi.

"Man, you know nothing 'bout coolness, you ass with your green dungarees"

"I have blue dungarees"

"Whatever, yous a fashion reject with no shiting sense of cool 'bout you!" Donkey Kong waved his hands in the air in a way of weird significance to D.K, but no one else.

"This is all too scary, I don't even know what you're saying!" Luigi whimpered. "Hell, I didn't know you could even speak." He added.

"What you talking about?" D.K asked.

"Well I suppose that barley counts as talking." Luigi muttered.

"You be tripping man! You dissing my speech?" D.K replied angrily.

"I am so glad I'm going to kill you for eating my cheese sandwich!" Luigi claimed.

"What this shit 'bout a sandwich? I ain't touch your snacks man!" D.K replied.

"Well I'm still going to kill you just for talking like that!" Luigi aimed his shotgun at D.K. He pulled the trigger, but nothing happened. "Oh yeah." Luigi remembered he had yet to turn off the safety.

"You think you can just walk into my pad and threaten me? Yous have another thing coming! Where my posse go!" D.K turned and started shouting into the jungle. After a while Cranky stumbled out, looking very annoyed. "Yo, old timer, where my crew at?" D.K questioned. Cranky whacked him over the head with his cane.

"They abandoned you! You young whippersnapper! They couldn't take anymore of your god awful rapping!" D.K looked shocked.

"Yo, no one disses my beat!" Cranky hit Donkey Kong on the head again.

"I will do whatever I see fit!" Cranky hit Donkey Kong for a third time. Luigi noticed something.

"Wait a minute... Cranky isn't out of character! He must be behind all this!" Luigi pointed his gun at Cranky; rather pointlessly considering the safety was still off.

"You young fool! This new fangled 'out of character' fad only seems to affect Nintendo characters, not us Rare characters!" Cranky tried to hit Luigi with his walking stick, but he was too far away.

"Nintendo? Rare? What are you talking about?" Luigi questioned.

"Damn! I've revealed the secrets of the universe again!" Cranky claimed. "Forget I said anything"

"Ok." Luigi replied. Luigi stood still for a minute. "Done." Luigi claimed. He then looked around. "Why am I in the jungle?" Luigi asked. Cranky waddled up to Luigi and whacked him over the head. "Ow! Haven't you heard of peaceful solutions?" Luigi complained.

"Yes, but I find violence achieves more faster." Cranky claimed.

"Fine, whatever. Look 'Ghandi', if there is no evil cheese sandwich eater to kill here, I should go." Luigi turned around to leave.

"See yous later dude!" D.K shouted. One of Luigi's eyes twitched violently.

"Before I go, I have to do something to get D.K out of the most annoying character ever thought up." Luigi claimed. He tried to fire his shotgun, to no effect. "Unfortunately, I still can't figure out what is wrong with this gun, so we have to do this without killing him." Cranky looked sad that they couldn't kill D.K.

"Ain't I got a says in this before yous all go messing with me?" Donkey Kong asked.

"I have no idea what you just said, so lets get started!" Luigi shouted.

"And what the hell do you plan on doing?" Cranky questioned. Luigi went into deep thought for a minute. Suddenly he was struck with inspiration.

"I will sell hotdogs on E-bay for an inflated price!" Luigi suddenly announced. Cranky looked at him confused. "Sorry, what was the question again"

After a hour of careful thinking, by which I mean a hour of watching movie clips for an idea to nick, Cranky and Luigi were ready to 'de-chav' Donkey Kong. They had strapped D.K to a chair, restrained by twenty belts, and with his eyes tapped open. Luigi walked over to a big screen.

"Now here's something I saw in a movie." Luigi announced.

"Which movie iz this?" D.K asked.

"I don't know, I saw it parodied in the Simpson's. They were desensitising the dog." Luigi replied.

"I've been meaning to complain about this," Cranky claimed. "How do you plan on making this 'de-chav' my no good son? It can desensitise dogs, not 'de-chav' asses"

"Well, I changed the clips shown you twit." Luigi explained. He pulled out a small remote and turned the video on. The screen remained blank as 'Fortuna' boomed out from near by speakers. "Except I didn't have time to find suitable clips in only a hour." Luigi laughed nervously. "Everything's gone crap since I entered this jungle" Luigi muttered. For a moment he lowered his head sadly. Then he started bobbing his head in time to 'Fortuna', seemingly happy again. Cranky hit Luigi over the head with his cane.

"Stop that!" Cranky shouted. Luigi rubbed his head angrily.

"That's getting almost as annoying as D.K." Cranky answered the comment by hitting Luigi again, but this time his stick gave way and broke in two.

"Well crap." Cranky simply exclaimed. He looked angrily at his walking stick, as if staring at it would fix it. "Stupid cheap walking stick company"

"I doubt the walking stick company considered making it strong enough to withstand constant head battering. I mean, Toadsworth's stick hasn't broken yet." Luigi commented.  
Using that very brief mention of Toadsworth as reason, we go back to the smoking remains of Peach's castle, where Toadsworth is still searching for Peach.

"Peach probably has fleed this place by now, but I'm old and have little stumps which barley count as legs, so I'll still search here instead of running off." Toadsworth announced to no one. He kicked a burning Toad out of the way into a badly placed vat of fuel. As the Toad exploded in a ball of fire, Toadsworth kicked down a door, rather pointlessly as the walls around it had burnt down, and saw part of a shaking pink dress under a badly burnt bed. Toadsworth smiled and fired his machine gun. However, he had used up all the bullets. Angry, Toadsworth threw the gun away and grabbed the near by Yoshi, who had been stuck on the roof until there was no roof. Like all the others the Yoshi had turned killer. Toadsworth threw the Yoshi at the bed. The Yoshi ran under the bed, and quickly emerged holding a Toad wearing one of Peach's dresses.

"What are you doing!" Toadworth shouted.

"Don't tell my wife." The Toad pleaded, just before being eaten whole by the Yoshi. As to keep this PG-13, I'll just say the Yoshi was a very sloppy eater. Toadsworth stared blankly at what he had just seen.

"Graphic." He muttered. "Also those shoes did not match that dress"

"Is it just me or are you monkeys not as funny as the other characters?" Luigi absently mused. Cranky and Donkey Kong ignored this random criticism of the chapter. "Well, thankfully I have to be on my way, except..." Luigi trailed off.

"What?" Cranky asked, itching to get rid of Luigi.

"Well, there aren't any main characters left!" Luigi claimed. Cranky looked at him sarcastically.

"Off the top of my head, there are the Goombas, Boos, Bom-boms"

"I said main characters, I'm not going around all the little things which walk back and forth in levels for no real reason." Luigi claimed. "I can't go around the Paper Mario characters either, after what happened the other day"

A month ago in the world of 'Paper Mario', Parakarry and Gombella were having a talk.

"So that is how I lost 3 ponds in one day." Gombella announced proudly.

"We're paper though, we don't actually weigh anything." Parakarry asked.

"Oh, errr... does it look like rain?" Gombella changed the subject, however, it was rain and the entire world went soggy and tore apart in a matter of seconds.

"Well, how about the character so ridiculously obviously behind this, that even D.K could work it out, you know, that great big green weirdo"

"Wart! Of course!" Luigi jumped up, ran off, and then came back. "My ride is thrashed." Luigi explained, jumping into D.K's kart, hot wiring it, and driving off.

"What a tosser." Cranky muttered.

"Word."


	5. New sub plots and satanists, rejoice!

Disclaimer: I don't own Mario and his yuppies, Nintendo do. 

Dribble and Spitz drove their taxi down some random road in Diamond city. In the back of their cab sat Dr Crygor, Mona, 9-Volt, Ashley and her little Devil thing, Red (don't worry, this is still the random Luigi story, be patient.

"Errr, Dribble, are you this is the way to the Hawt house?" Mona asked.

"Yeah sure, why not." Dribble replied. "Wait, how'd you know my name?" Dribble was never answered, as Dr Crygor suddenly began dancing for no obvious reason, which was odd considering he was sitting down and not really capable of moving much. Mona rolled her eyes.

"This is the last time I blind date." Mona muttered.

"Count yourself lucky." Ashley replied. Eyeing 9-Volt angrily, whom had his head buried in a DS and muttering 'psycho' every now and again for no real reason.

"I'm confused. How could you lot be double dating when none of you know each other? Isn't it completely out of character for Ashley to socialise in any way? How could I even point any of this out, I don't know who you lot are!" Dribble complained. Spitz nodded in agreement.

"Well, there was someone who came here recently complaining about some sort of 'out of character' problem." Mona explained. "That, and my precious Wario... I mean Wario, just plain Wario, has been acting very weird, destroying Toad based businesses, using words more than two syllables long"

"My superior intellect has deduced that this person who came must be behind it. I further deduce that we aren't as badly affected because we're not proper Mario characters. I only say this to keep the reader clued up to what is going on." Dr Crygor analysed. Everyone moved away from him.

"I say we go kill him, whether Crygor is right or not." Ashley coldly exclaimed. There was a general agreement in the Taxi, which just goes to show how insane Wario's friends are.

"Dribble, take us to Wario's good clone's brother!" Mona shouted. Dribble pushed his foot down on the accelerator, and then lifted it off again.

"Wait, how am I meant to find him?" Dribble questioned.

"You're a bloody dog! Sniff him out!" Mona replied. Dribble shrugged.

"Sure, not like anything so far has made any since." Then, with that, the group of oddities drove off with the mission to kill Luigi.

Meanwhile, with the actual story, Luigi drove D.K's car towards Wart's castle. Luigi looked down at his map.

"Lets see, last time, I think Wart was in a giant castle which excited in Mario's dreams." Luigi stopped the car. "There's a problem here, but I can't put my finger on it..." Luigi pondered for a while. "Getting to a castle in Mario's dreams... what is the problem there... lets see, I can enter castles easily... getting to Mario will be easy... what is the problem..." Luigi kept in deep thought, occasionally muttering something out loud. "Can do that no problem... maybe if I eat some taco's... I should have been in 'Mario Sunshine', I don't want to wait for a 'Mario Sunshine DS' like with that other game." Soon, through these random thoughts, Luigi realised the problem. "How do I get in Mario's dream... again... this isn't some crappy sci-fi!" Luigi scratched his head. "I suppose I could try to jump into his ear, but last time I tried to do that Mario threw me out of the house for three days." Luigi sighed and shook his head. "Why can't anyone live in easy to find or get to places?" Luigi began to strain his brain in an attempt to come up with an answer. A small popping sound came out of Luigi's head. "Uh, oh. That can't be good." Luigi then collapsed. For a while Luigi didn't move, then he got up, looking unsure, and took off his hat. "Oh, that wasn't my brain, it was the bubble wrap I keep in my hat!" Luigi laughed. He then put his hat back on and started thinking again. All that came to Luigi was simply terrible ideas and catchy commercial songs. "Ah screw this, I'll go ask someone. King Boo probably knows how to do this; him and Wart are both minions of Bowser. I hope Gadd still has the royal ghost." Luigi jumped into his (or rather D.K's) car and drove off.

A while later Luigi arrived at his mansion, which wasn't his anymore as he lacked any kind of deed to it, and it wasn't a mansion anymore as it was destroyed completely as Luigi had never got a permit to build on that land. So In short it was lumberyard next to E. Gadd's house/shed/shit hole. It was this house/shed/shit hole that Luigi entered. The first thing he saw was that Gadd's place had defiantly changed.

"I don't remember all this fire and satanic imagery..." Luigi muttered, admiring a large picture of Satan, making sure not to step on the smouldering bones. "I think Gadd may have become a Conservative"

"Wrong!" Luigi turned around to see E. Gadd standing there, his lab coat replaced with a flowing black robe and his (very little) hair fashioned into two horns, also his glasses were red instead of blue.

"There's something different about you... are you wearing new shoes?" Luigi asked. Gadd raised an eyebrow.

"Actually yes, but I doubt that is what you notice, considering there hidden underneath my robe." Gadd explained. "Maybe you notice the fact that I have joined the dark legion of evil that are Satanists!" He laughed manically. Luigi slapped his own face.

"Another person turned evil. Always evil. Wario, Daisy, D.K to a certain extent and now you!" Luigi paused for thought. "I suppose Toadsworth was technically evil, but you can't blame him for trying to kill that cake baking dictator." Luigi added.

Meanwhile, Toadsworth was still trying to kill Peach. He had set up many cameras around the burned remains of castle.

"She has to come out sometime..." Toadsworth muttered, watching a large group of monitors showing every possible area of the castle. For an hour Toadsworth watched with unwavering concentration. "Must kill Peach, must kill Peach..." Toadsworth quietly chanted.

"Can you even remember why you want to kill her?" A near by Toad asked.

"To take over the world!" Toadsworth replied.

"Actually, you only..." The Toad never finished as Toadsworth got angry and shot him full of lead. With his final breath the Toad uttered. "Why must one of us die every chapter"

"So what brings you to my ground of worship for the dark lord?" E. Gadd asked. Luigi was about to answer, but E. Gadd cut him off. "It doesn't matter, I can use you as a sacrifice"

"Since when did Satanists sacrifice people?" Luigi asked.

"Since now. Were not a real religion anyway, we can do whatever we want to." E. Gadd replied. The mad professor then took out a large baseball bat. "Now stand still while I knock you unconscious"

"Gadd, despite the size of that bat, you're still not tall enough to hit me on the noggin and knock me out." Luigi pointed out.

"Who said anything about hitting your head?" Gadd asked. Before Luigi could react, Gadd rammed the bat into Luigi's... certain... thing. Gadd was surprisingly strong, so Luigi was doubled over and unconscious instantly.

When Luigi finally woke up, he found himself tied to a pole with fire liking below.  
"I think I was once at a party like this." Luigi muttered. He looked down and saw what looked like E. Gadd doing the Hokey Cokey, probably because that is what it was.

"Knees bent, arms stretched, raa raa raa!" Gadd sang.

"I always knew that was the song of the Devil." Luigi claimed. Gadd stopped his idiotic dancing and looked up at his recently awoken victim.

"Ah! Luigi! It is time for you to be sacrificed for absolutely no plausible reason!" Gadd then began laughing manically. Luigi slumped his head.

"I wish I was a villain, they're always so happy." He complained. Gadd finished his random laughing and looked back at Luigi.

"Soon the fire shall engulf you and you will cease to be!" Gadd rambled on. Luigi struggled slightly, but couldn't wriggle free.

"It seems I need to use my intelligence to escape this. Shit." Luigi thought aloud. "Oh well, there are worse ways of dieing than being burned alive by a satanic midget. At least he isn't dancing anymore"

"Oh no? We'll see about that!" Gadd screamed, then began to do the 'cha cha cha.

"I really should stop saying all my thoughts out loud." Luigi noted. Luigi then proceeded to just stare blankly into space. After ten seconds Luigi spoke again. "Ah, screw that, it's too echoy in my head." Luigi then remember the flames slowly crawling up towards him. "Oh yeah, I have to solve this problem, or burn, which I've actually done a few times in places like Bowser's castle, and did not enjoy." Luigi muttered randomly. Suddenly an Idea struck Luigi. "Great mighty poo of Shit Mountain, I've got it!" Luigi shouted. Gadd looked at him confused.

"That was an odd." Gadd exclaimed. A sly smile appeared on Luigi's lips.

"Hay Gadd, I have a deal for you!" Luigi claimed.

"I'm listening." Gadd replied, who, having finished his dance, was currently drawing up ideas for a FLUDD which sprayed out liquid completely made of concentrated evil (also called New Coke) instead of water.

"Look, you release me, and I'll go take that King Boo you have in the gallery." Luigi explained.

"What do I get out of this?" Gadd asked.

"Oh yeah, that's how these things work." Luigi muttered. He then noticed on of his shoes had caught on fire. "Well, if you let me go, you can have this..." Luigi searched his pocket, which he just happened to be able to reach, and pulled out the first thing he could find.

"...Piece of string." Gadd raised an eyebrow.

"Why would I want a piece of string?" Gadd questioned.

"Errrr... It's haunted!" Luigi lied. "Also it once belonged to a famous celebrity, and it... oh, I don't know, was once used by Doctor Mario to cure lip cancer." Luigi then gave an unconvincing smile. Gadd looked at Luigi cynically.

"Really." Gadd sounded unconvinced.

"Have I ever lied to you?" Luigi asked. Gadd pondered for a while.

"Fair enough. We have a deal." Gadd ran off, and then came back with a fire extinguisher, but it was empty, so he ran off again and came back with a Toad, which he smothered the flame with. He then untied Luigi and snatched the string of Luigi, which he then dangled between his fingers, and laughed at. "Ha ha, cool." Luigi watched this spectacle for a while, and then began to wish he hadn't given the string away and ran to E. Gadd's gallery.  
In the gallery Luigi stood in the gold littered room, in front of the picture of King Boo. Luigi observed the picture for a while.

"I wonder what pose I would be in if I went through that machine." Luigi pondered. "Knowing my luck, probably something embarrassing, like with my finger up my nose, or various things too sick to say out loud..." Luigi shook the images out of his head and looked back at the picture. "Now I need to talk to King Boo. I suppose I could always use that portrificationizer thing he has, but then again I could always do what I did when I was at Peach's castle, that's is if I was at Peach's castle. Either I was with Mario, Wario and a Yoshi, or Mario went alone while a Yoshi sat on the roof for no real reason." Luigi, after finishing his nonsensical ramblings, ran at the portrait and jumped into it. "It works!" Luigi shouted as he disappeared into the wobbling painting.

Meanwhile, back at Dasiy's nearly deserted castle, Dribble barged through the front door, followed by Mona and the others.

"Prepare to die Wario's brother!" After a long silence Dribble got confused and then looked around. "Aw crap."


	6. King Boo's angry, or just pissed

Disclaimer: Nintendo own Mario and his legion of slaves. 

Luigi found himself without a body floating in a large white void. Below his decapitated head was 'touch me' written in large, orange writing. Above his head there was a grey star floating with the words 'Kick the royal crap out of King Boo' under them. Beside that were some random counters, one of which claimed Luigi had minus two lives. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a large stylus flew towards Luigi's face. Luigi found himself unable to move out of the way of the pen like object. Luigi scrunched up his face and awaited the inevitable assault. The stylus hit him with its full force directly in the eye. As soon as this happened Luigi's mouth opened by itself.

"Lets go!" Luigi blurted out against his own will. His head then started spinning for no plausible reason and flew into the distance before it disappeared completely.  
Luigi then found himself falling from the sky and landing in front of some random, clichéd ghost castle.

"God, I hate jumping into paintings." Luigi complained. "Not only is there that stupid white screen, but falling from great heights really hurts!" Luigi rubbed his hurt legs, and then had a look around. Beside the castle, there was also a graveyard, however it was obvious the tombstones were all made of cardboard, and a few had even been blown over by the wind. On the other side of the castle there was a collection of badly drawn paper Zombies next to a sign with the word 'BOO' written on it in pink felt tip. Next to this display of crap was the tackiest attempt at fear of them all. A fairground haunted house, ran by a uncaring and uneducated idiot only working there so he can steal from the till and laugh at the disappointed faces of children. "Well, at least the castle looks real." Luigi stated, just as the one and only wall of the castle fell over, revealing King Boo, who was just floating above a carpet (which made up the entire castle) looking bored. "I guess I asked for that." Luigi muttered. King Boo seemed to hear Luigi and looked up at the green clothes wearing plumber.

"Ah! Luigi! I see you have found your way to my spooky lair!" King Boo announced. Luigi rolled his eyes.

"Yeah, real spooky." Luigi cynically remarked. King Boo looked angry with this.

"Well you see what you can make with no fingers or resources at hand." King Boo replied.

"Well, if you had no resources, then where did you get the cardboard from?" Luigi questioned. King Boo opened his mouth to answer, but then realised he didn't know the answer and had to think some more before actually answering.

"Fine. Maybe I had some resources, but not much! Only a few trees and that industrial factory over there." King Boo pointed off into the distance. Luigi nodded thoughtfully (not that he was thinking or anything.

"Fair enough. So, what has happened to you?" Luigi asked.

"Pardon?" King Boo replied.

"You know, how has your personality changed?" Luigi explained. King Boo thought a bit.

"Well, I'm angrier than normal." King Boo answered. Luigi raised his eyebrows.

"Really? That's it? Just a bit angrier? Doesn't seem that big a personality change, I mean, it could just be your time of the month." Luigi sounded slightly disappointed. He was then taken by surprise when King Boo seemed to grow to three times his original size.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT? ARE YOU TRYING TO INSULT ME, YOU INSIGNIFICANT SPECK OF A WORM?" King Boo shouted at the top of his voice, causing allot of spit to hit Luigi's face. King Boo then shrank back to normal.

"I see what you mean." Luigi claimed. "Still think it's just your time of the month." Luigi muttered under his breath.

"You know, you still haven't told me why you're here." King Boo pointed out.

"No I haven't." Luigi replied. What followed was a long silence. King Boo gritted his teeth, then lost his temper once again.

"WELL TELL ME WHY YOUR HERE YOU IMPUTANT SHIT PILE!" King Boo bellowed.

"Oh. You could have just asked you know." Luigi replied. "Anyway, I'm here in search of the knowledge of how to enter Wart's dream castle, so I may exact vengeance on my cheese sandwich." King Boo raised a nonexistent eyebrow.

"Cheese sandwich?" He questioned.

"I get that allot." Luigi answered. King Boo shrugged it off.

"Why do you think I will tell you, my arch enemy, how to get to Wart?" King Boo narrowed his eyes evilly, although it did look allot like he had lost his contacts or something.

"Arch enemy? Really?" Luigi sounded pleasantly surprised. "I mean, I always knew you loathed me, but never so strongly! I don't know what to say!" Luigi whipped a tear away.

"Look, now you're just scaring me." King Boo then realised what he had said. "BUT YOU'RE STILL NOT AS SCARY AS ME!" Luigi cleaned out one of his ears.

"Do you honestly have to shout?" He complained.

"YES, BECAUSE YOU CAN'T GET IT THROUGHT YOUR THICK HEAD I WANT YOU TO EITHER LEAVE OR GO ROLL UP INTO A BALL AND DIE!" King Boo continued to shout. King Boo suddenly grew again and pointed one of his hands like things at Luigi.

"BOOS, ATTACK!" The ghost King bellowed. There was a long silence until a rather sad looking Boo appeared. He slowly drifted up to King Boo and then fell onto the floor.

"Where are the other Boos?" King Boo questioned.

"They told me to tell you that we are all in a state of deep depression after realising our role in life seems to be nothing more than hiding and attacking from behind, which is a very pathetic and depressing way to fight. It's all very sad when you think about it." King Boo slapped his own face.

"Look, tell the troops if they do this I'll take them all out for ice cream. That'll cheer them up." The Boo shook his head.

"I'm afraid not. Ice cream is very saddening. People can't stop eating it due to the flavour, but are punished with what has been dubbed the depressing name 'brain freezes'. I would rather you didn't force such torture on us." the Boo replied.

"How about KFG (Kentucky fried Goomba)"

"The pictures of a dead Cornel everywhere are saddening, bringing back the memories of dead loved ones"

"Burger Emperor"

"Reminds us of all the poor people still under dictatorial rules"

"McClouds"

"We all just finished watching 'Supershroom me"

"WELL WHAT DO YOU STUPID WASTEFUL PILES OF ECTOPLASMIC SHIT WANT?" King Boo bellowed. The Boo thought for a moment.

"To waste away in our depressing afterlives." He claimed.

"OH JUST GO YOU STUPID MARVIN WANNABE!" King Boo attempted to kick the Boo out, but because he had no feet ended up looking like he was dancing. He then turned back to Luigi. "FINE THEN! I'LL JUST FIGHT YOU MYSELF"

"I'm not sure why were suddenly fighting, but can you at least stop talking in capitals every other sentence?" Luigi asked.

"Fine." King Boo grudgingly replied.

"In that case, I challenge you to a Xiaolin showdown!" Luigi shouted. King Boo looked confused.

"What"

"I mean lets fight." Luigi took up fighting stance. King Boo flew directly at Luigi. Luigi jumped upwards and towards King Boo. The Two collided, beginning the fight.

It's time for a notice from the author: I'm sorry, but the following paragraph had to be cut, due to excessive violence, drug references and nudity. However, I don't want you to miss a thing, otherwise the only review I would get will be 'how come Luigi's hat got married in the space between two paragraphs', so I am going to provide a breakdown of all the points deemed acceptable by the American censoring agency, also known as some old woman who lives in a basement and is convinced the world is nothing but flowers, bunnies and sunshine. I would use the English one, but sadly we just took your censored versions of shows and blew our English censoring agency up. Oddly they swore allot as they died. Anyway, onto the revised paragraph.

Luigi won. Then his hat got married.

"Well, I can't believe how intense and nail biting that fight was." Luigi claimed. King Boo, who now had a black eye, large cut down his left side and a bra on his head for some reason, lay before Luigi, breathing heavily.

"How could you defeat me? It isn't possible!" King Boo exclaimed.

"According to Vegas, there was a 2-1 chance of me winning. It also claims the chances are good that Peach will escape Toadsworth"

While we're on the subject, Toadsworth had discarded the cameras and was now firing wildly into the burned castle with a rocket launcher.

"I will kill her! You'll see! She will be dead, and I will become ruler!" Toadsworth shouted. Then he stopped and thought. "Wait, by snow couldn't she have escape through some secret exit all these castle seem to inexplicably have?" He questioned no one in particular.

"Oh, you mean like that elevator I saw her escaping in earlier?" A Toad asked. Toadsworth turned to look at him, anger boiling in his eyes (Literally, and I bet it was bloody painful). "Ah... em... damn. You're going to kill me now, aren't you?" Toadsworth nodded .The Toad sighed. "Ah bugger. Oh well, at the rate you've been killing Toads, at least I won't be lonely." The Toad then awaited his untimely death.

"Your way too okay about dieing." Complained Toadsworth. He then aimed for a Toad next to the one who had just talked and blew him up instead.

"Ah, what I do?" The Toad asked with its dieing words.

"Anyway, I still need to know how to get into Wart's imaginary castle." Luigi claimed.

"I'll never tell!" King Boo spat.

"Oh come on, the sooner you tell me how to get in there, the sooner I can go back to accusing random characters of killing my cheese sandwich." Luigi pleaded.

"I said never!" King Boo replied.

"But you have no idea what I've been through to get my vengeance! I've travelled through jungle, kingdoms and cities"

"That's not all that hard to do." King Boo interrupted.

"Shut up. I've also exhausted two cars completely, I even hired a bunch of detectives which looked oddly like a crocodile, a bee and a chameleon." Luigi continued to ramble. "Granted I may have been high from that stuff I found in DK's car when I thought I did the last one, but nether the less I deserve to know how to exact this so long sought after revenge!" King Boo continued to look unimpressed. Luigi decided to try a new tactic. "Do this and I'll tell you how to get the haunted, cancer destroying piece of string." King Boo's face suddenly showed interest.

"Really? Such an item exists?" King Boo's face was filled with interest.

"Yes, and I know who owns it. You tell me how to get to Wart, and I'll tell you who to kill to gain the string." King Boo considered the proposition.

"Hmmm... Fine." King Boo momentarily disappeared, then reappeared with a hammer.

"You need to use this to get there." King Boo tossed Luigi the hammer.

"Gadd has the string. Go kill him." Luigi claimed. King Boo began to flow away, then realised he couldn't escape his painting prison and shouted a naughty word very loudly. Ignoring this, Luigi looked at the hammer. "Well, even I can tell what to do with this." Luigi claimed. He then proceeded to run back and forth, flailing the hammer around like a headless chicken. This achieved nothing. However, while doing this, the hammer slipped out of Luigi's hands, causing it to spin around in the air before hitting Luigi on the head, instantly knocking him out.

Meanwhile, in the practically destroyed castle of Daisy, a group of social misfits were hunting down Luigi.

"Well Spitz, where do you think he is?" Dribble asked. Spitz hopped up and down as if trying to communicate. "Why the hell do I keep you around"

"Forget about that intellectually challenged feline, I have deduced that if we are to sues out the green capped ones presence, we need to ask." Dr Crygor claimed. Mona nodded.

"Sure why not." She then walked up to a near by Toad, who was there nicking gold. "Hay, Toad, have you seen a green capped loser"

"Yeah, why?" The Toad asked.

"We plan on killing him." Mona replied nonchalantly. Suddenly the room was filled with Toads holding spiky sticks.

"They are here to assassinate King Luigi! Kill them!" One of them shouted, leading to a surprised looking Mona, Dribble and Crygor. Spitz continued looking stupid and Ashley sighed.

"Looks like I'll have to save the day." Ashley claimed. She then pulled out two Uzi out of nowhere in particular and proceeded to kill all the guards in a very bloody matter. Afterwards everyone looked even more shocked. "What?" She asked, kicking a Toad's head away.

"Anyway..." Mona tried to change the subject from the sudden and fairly random on slaughter that they had just witnessed. "Where is 'Luigi' then?" She asked. Dribble walked forward holding a book.

"Well according to this book I just found, This Toad, well, pile of organs splattered on floor, saw Luigi heading towards the Kongo jungle. Also he has been cheating on his wife, with his sister in law... and mother in law... and father in law..." Dribble then threw the blood soaked diary across the room, as if that would protect him from it.

"In that case, to the jungle!" Mona shouted, running back to the Taxi. Everyone else just stood around.

"Want a pizza?" Ashley asked.

"Sure." Everyone replied, leaving for pizza and leaving Mona sitting in the taxi looking lonely.


	7. We all knew Wart was a crybaby

Disclaimer: Mario and his small army of hangers on belong to Nintendo. 

Authors note: I have took my sweet ass time on this chapter, haven't I?

When Luigi awoke from his self-inflicted hammering, he found himself outside a castle. However, this was not the castle in which he had just fought King Boo. This castle wasn't just a cardboard cut out, it was a full blown, brown bricked, oddly easy to get into, bigger on the inside final level. Luigi looked thoughtfully at the castle.

"Well I guess I got to the castle... somehow." He remarked. "Right. So all I have to do is fight my way through this castle, killing all the Goomba and Koopas who might get in my way, then dodging all the lava pits and traps make it into the final room, where I can finally reach Wart and kill him for eating my sandwich." Luigi rambled on to himself. Luigi walked up to the oddly large red doors. It was then Luigi noted a small doorbell on the side of door. "That gives me an idea..." Luigi claimed.

Half an hour later, Luigi stopped writing a musical completely composed of ringing sounds and jumped to his feet. "Wait, I have a better idea!" He claimed. He then walked up to the doorbell and rang it. There was a moment when all that happened was rumbling was heard on an intercom above the doorbell, then someone falling over, then them getting up again, and finally a deep, croaky voice.

"Who is this? Is it Bowser again? IT WAS ONLY FUNNY THE FIRST TIME DAMNIT!" Wart's voice yelled.

"No, I'm selling 'miracle string'." Luigi announced, while trying to talk in a deep voice. However, he didn't even come close to pulling it off, and ended up sounding like a young girl.

"What's 'miracle string'?" Wart asked, obviously considering opening the door, then slamming it in Luigi's face.

"This one of a kind string has the power to cure cancer, and is also inhabited by ghosts!" Luigi claimed, still sounding like someone shoved something sharp between his legs. There was a pause.

"It can really do all that?" An intrigued Wart asked. Luigi nodded. There was a long silence while Luigi realised that Wart couldn't see the nod.

"Yes." Luigi answered.

"Hold on a sec." the sound of a large sack of potatoes rolling away came out of the intercom. Luigi guessed this was the sound of Wart running towards the door. "Now we'll see who has the last cheese sandwich related laugh! " Luigi then proceeded to laugh in a maniacal matter.

"What was that? I dropped my large sack of potatoes." Wart asked over the intercom.

"Just answer the bloody door." Luigi ordered, sounding frustrated, as would you if you were trying to negotiate the opening of a large door with a giant frog king thing. A quick feedback fizz came over the intercom as Wart turned it off and headed for the front door. Luigi, the sense of victory in the air (if you can call outsmarting a dictator booger monster victory) danced the victory dance of victory.

And if you want to dance the victory dance of victory, well you're in luck, as well as in need of medical attention! Here, for the first time in the history of mankind, monkeykind and speckled crested birdkind (but oddly not fishkind) is how to do the victory dance of victory!

First you put your right hand behind your back and hop up and down on one foot, and then you spin three hundred and five degrees (not three hundred and six, if you do that many, start again). Do this in both directions; changing which foot you're hopping on for each rotation. Afterwards wave your hands wildly and flimsily in the air (think the ugly woman in Popeye) run on the spot, shake your head from left to right and stick your tongue out. After doing this for the desired time, strike the famous grabbing crotch with your other hand stretched out pose, famously used by a certain person I can't mention because of this sites rules, who was charged with something I can't mention because it's disgusting, but he was found innocent, which I can mention. Anyway, strike this pose, shouting 'ow' loudly (which you will do instinctively if you grabbed too hard). If it is an especially large victory, you can thrust a bit. Once all this is done start over again until a nice muscular man in a white suit throws you in a van with a straight jacket. Well, back to the story, which I have made seem longer with this pointless paragraph.

When Wart opened his front door, he was, to say the least, surprised to see Luigi outside his castle doing the victory dance of victory.

"You're a salesman?" Wart asked confused. Upon hearing the green thing's voice, Luigi stopped dancing and point a finger accusingly at the snot coloured lard thing.

"I have travelled far from wherever my house is, through random areas which really shouldn't exist in such a climate, and finally the lair of the ghostly Boos, all to finally exact vengeance for my cheese sandwich, reverse the out of characterness you have swept the land with and complete any other quests I might have landed while doing all this, but have forgotten." Luigi announced, as a nonexistent camera seemed to close up on his face and heroic music played out of a nonexistent speaker. Wart raised an eyebrow.

"So you come to my castle, then accuse me of being behind the change of your friends personalities and the stealing of a cheese sandwich?" Wart questioned in a bellowing voice. However, before Luigi could answer, Wart broke down in a fit of tears. "I can't believe you would be so mean! You are just a big meany!" Luigi, unprepared for such an outburst, look around gingery. After a few minutes of Wart balling, which had caused a few new lakes to be formed and scientists to start worrying about global flooding, Luigi attempted to comfort the bubbling green thing.

"I didn't mean anything personal..."

"MEANY!" Wart interrupted. Luigi watched Wart crying for a bit longer, then became aware of how wet his dungarees were getting. Thinking fast (which for Luigi meant spending several hours pondering, in which time he downed a glass of milk and won the chess championship twice) Luigi grabbed a conveniently placed metal bar and hit Wart over the head with it.

"Pull yourself together Wart!" Luigi ordered. The Green King blob thing sniffed and slowly managed to stop his own waterworks.

"You're still a meany." Wart claimed. Luigi rolled his eyes.

"Yes, very well, can I kill you for the above accusations yet?" Luigi questioned. Wart instantly began crying again.

"NO! Don't kill me! I have done nothing wrong! Granted, I trapped you and your friends in Mario's dreamland, but don't kill me! I have too much to live for! I have yet to see the world, or anything not inside an Italian plumbers head for that matter, I want to live Luigi, why won't you let me live!" Wart babbled in an inconsistent manner. Luigi sighed.

"It's times like this I wish I hadn't left my machine gun with Toadsworth."

And like clockwork, we have a quick insight on the events occurring due to Toadsworth quest to destroy Peach and take control of the Mushroom kingdom.

"Why am I here?" Questioned a Toad, who was riding in a sidecar connected to a motorbike being driven by Toadsworth through the secret escape route Peach had escaped in (it would make very little sense for her to use the route for anything else).

"How am I honestly meant to aim a bazooka and drive a bike? Now shut up and aim the gun, we have to be catching up with her!" Toadsworth then, for no reason, laughed manically, causing him to momentarily lose control of the motorbike and steer it into a wall. "DAMN IT!" Toadsworth shouted.

"Not laughing evilly while driving a motorbike is one of the first things you learn in motor ed..." The Toad criticised. Toadsworth shot the Toad an angry glare.

"Hand me that bazooka." Toadsworth ordered in a cold voice.

"Can't see any reason not to." The Toad claimed throwing the bazooka to Toadsworth (must be a strong Toad if he can throw a bazooka, but that's not important). Toadsworth then backed up a bit, and aimed the bazooka at the Toad. The Toad then looked at Toadsworth suspiciously. "Are you going to shoot me with that?" Toadsworth nodded. "Well if that's true, then I suggest you back of a bit more, or you might get bits of me all over you." Toadsworth complied and took three steps back.

"That okay?"

"Yeah, you should be fine there."

"Thanks." Then Toadsworth blew the Toad into uncountable pieces of red gory stuff.

Speaking of uncountable pieces of red gory stuff, a King frog dude crying a river has nothing in common with them in any shape or form.

"I have done nothing but good to cheese sandwiches! Please don't kill me!" Wart continued babbling. Luigi began stroking his chin.

"Well, Wart seems slightly less pathetic than normal, maybe he isn't behind this after all." Luigi reasoned.

"And who will take care of my dear mummy? WHO?" Wart continued babbling, his tears providing water for the poorer areas of the Mushroom Kingdom.

"Well, if it wasn't Wart, then who? More importantly, which important characters haven't I accused yet? I mean I've been lowered to the use of Wart!" Luigi sighed and kicked a nearby rock. This rock would grow up to be rockheart, and lead a band of rocks to there bloody death against an army of stones, who for years have been oppressing the rocks and forcing to obey to there laws instead of allowing the rocks there own government which they so desperately want, but for now he's just a rock Luigi kicks.

"Also if I die can you imagine what that will be like for my farther? CAN YOU?" Wart's cries fell on death ears. These death ears got angry that someone was dropping stuff on them and ran off.

"Maybe I could shout at Birdo, but I don't think that thing she calls a mouth can actually eat a cheese sandwich..." Luigi continued to muse.

"Then there's Bowser, who may act like he hates me, but I know he secretly likes me... I hope. NO ONE LOVES ME!" Luigi suddenly belted upright, struck by inspiration.

"Of course! Only one maniacal monster can be behind this... ha ha, no one loves you. I mean, Bowser must have stole my sandwich!" Luigi look heroically into the distance. "I shall finally complete my quest and bring justice to the memory of my sandwich." Luigi's heroic monologue was spoiled by the crying blob of green behind him. "To Bowser's castle! Wait, why do all bad guys get castles? Come to think of it, the vas majority of people I know seem to live in castles. Man, I need to get me one of those. Where was I? All yeah, to Bowser!" And with those words, Luigi ran off in a random direction, with absolutely no idea how to get out of Mario's dream world, which had partially flooded thanks to Wart.

Meanwhile, back in Donkey Kong's jungle, Mona looked disapprovingly over a blood covered Ashley.

"That was unnecessary." Mona criticised.

"If that monkey said 'innit' one more time..." Ashley replied.

"Yeah, but I don't think anyone deserves that to be done to them, especially the part where you 'circumcised' him." Mona reasoned.

"Yeah, I was suspecting that much blood to be honest." Ashley looked around. "Say, where are the boys?"

"Dribble and Spitz are in the car, 9-Volt followed an old monkey claiming he was his god, and Dr Crygor... actually, I don't know where he is." Mona answered.

"Probably doing that stupid dance." Ashley claimed. However, as she finished her sentence, Dr Cygor jumped out from nowhere in particular, surprising Mona and causing her to fall over.

"BEHOLD! By calculating all possibilities with my above average intallect, as well as work besides the secret services of the world, I have been able to track Luigi's possible targets within a one in one trillion chance of error!" Dr Crygor proudly announced.

"You did that all in five minutes?" Mona asked, obviously confused (as well as being slowly devoured by a plant she had fallen on).

"Three minutes, I stopped for coffee half way through." Dr Crygor explained. Ashley shrugged.

"Fair enough, so where do we go know in our quest for blood?" She asked.

"Wart!" 9-Volt interrupted. "The great and brilliant Donkey Kong of the arcade era told me." He added, sounding suspiciously like he was picturing Cranky Kong in lingerie (I know how pointless that would be considering, but shut up).

"That was what I was going to say, Wart, not Kirby." Dr Crygor claimed, his eye thing looking around shiftily. So the four headed for the taxi, no one questioning the disappearance of Ashley's devil thing, who disappeared two chapters ago.


	8. Bowser vs Luigi, very, very briefly

Disclaimer: I don't own Mario and his insignificant others, Nintendo do.

Bowser's castle. The centre of all EVIL. That's not just evil. The centre of all evil is somewhere in Disneyland. EVIL is much worse. It's in capitals. For one thing, within the castles reinforced (reinforced with EVIL that is) walls lie EVILs such as daemons from the deep, Conservatives, fan fics with graphic descriptions of Sonic characters getting it on, squirrels, Spyro the dragon and the worse EVIL of them all, the wizard dark lord, commander of the death eaters and he who must not be named, namely Bob (who did you think I meant?). Well, these EVILs would be in the castle, had Bowser not kicked them all out for not paying the rent. Anyway, Bowser is in constant fear of invasion and got Kamy Koopa to cast a spell on the castle, so it was impossible to mark on any map. In fact, the only way to possibly get to Bowser's castle is to walk off in a random direction, with absolutely no idea of where you're going, only then can you reach the castle. This may seem like a bad way to protect the castle, and does result in many drunken hobos entering the castle, but it means any force attempting to invade can't, for you can't have absolutely any idea where you're going if you're going to invade a castle. Confused? Good, means you won't question the logic. Also, this entire plot device explains allot about the old 2D Mario games.

Luigi continued running forwards, running to no where in particular and with a human like bird, hare and toad following for no apparent reason. It was when a giant space ship with the words 'Great Fox' on the side appeared to Luigi's side that Luigi realised something odd was going on. His suspicion's were confirmed when the bird, hare and toad flew after the space ship in there own space ships. "Okay... I believe that's our third reference to a different video game series in two paragraphs." Luigi muttered to himself, still running in no particular direction. It was then he realised that he seemed to now be running in a lava infested area, as apposed to the strange turnip infested area he was in earlier. "That's... odd." Luigi mused to himself. "There is only one logical explanation for this; I completed a level without realising it! Why didn't I get a flag to pull down?" Luigi began pondering this very question for countless hours (or more accurately, two). However, a green capped Italian talking to himself about the lack of a flag does not go unnoticed in the land of EVIL. This is likely due to the places lack of tourists.

High up in Bowser's castle, Kammy Koopa watched Luigi through her magical telescope. Granted, the telescope wasn't that magical, but It had a built in cappuccino machine, and if that isn't magic I don't know what is. Anyway, Kammy Koopa almost instantly recognised Luigi as Mario. At once she set off to report to her master that his dreaded rival at just appeared in his lair, but then she realised it was in fact Luigi after taken another quick glance in her telescope. She decided that Luigi being in Bowser's kingdom wasn't nearly as important and fixed herself a cappuccino before going off to report anything. During this time she wondered what the odds actually were of her looking into the telescope at the exact time Luigi arrived, after some mental (and I mean mental) mathematics she discovered that the odds were actually quite good.

Lower down in the castle, to be exact, in the throne room, Bowser was plotting the demise of many people who I've deemed too boring to actually name in this story. He had been doing this for about an hour now while he waited for his latest nefarious scheme to actually work instead of causing various Koopa's to sing duets from 'the Phantom of the opera'. He was in the middle of thinking about how to kill someone only using a carrot and a Spaniard, when Kammy Koopa burst into his throne room.

"Sir, the dastardly Luigi has entered your kingdom, no doubt on a mission to END YOU!" The Magikoopa shouted. Bowser stroked his chin.

"Luigi... Luigi... Isn't he that guy on my favourite T.V show?" Bowser asked.

"No sir, that's Lala. Luigi is the brother of your nemesis Mario and he probably wishes to END YOU!" Kammy corrected Bowser. The Koopa king rose an eyebrow.

"Why do you keep saying that?" Bowser asked.

"Sorry sir, it just seems my magic is having difficulty keeping my current personality intact. I keep getting the urge to become a wrestler, YOU PATHETIC MAGGET!" Bowser nodded unsurely.

"O...kay..." Bowser muttered, just before Kammy Koopa grabbed him by the throat.

"DO YOU INSULT ME YOU WUSSY MAN!" She shouted. Bowser rolled his eyes and swiped the magic wand out of Kamy's hand. He then pointed it at her.

"Avada Kedavra!" Bowser shouted, causing weird shapes to fly out of the end of the wand and hit Kammy Koopa. The Magikoopa looked like she had just come out of a long sleep.

"A thousand thanks Lord Bowers." Kammy Koopa thanked Bowser, rubbing her head. Bowser didn't look pleased.

"I thought that was the death spell..." He muttered. "Oh well, we should probably deal with this 'Luigi' before he spoils my brilliant plan." Bowser slumped lower into his chair and pondered. "Lets see... Oh! I know! We shall send a small army of Koopas and Goombas to slowly walk in one direction towards, or past, Luigi. If he survives that and the numerous traps that litter my castle, traps which make a walk to the toilet fairly perilous, I can't tell you the amount of times I've been crushed by the ceiling trying to get a snack. Where was I? Oh yeah, if he gets all the way here, I shall face him in an arena with an almost insultingly obvious device to beat me with, then we'll see who has the last laugh!"

"Lord Bowser, I mean no disrespect, but what the fuck are you on about?" Kammy Koopa asked. Bowser sighed.

"I know, I know, it's a terrible plan, but unfortunately I have a signed contract with Nintendo that says, and I quote, 'That when a plumber enters my castle I'm not allowed to put up much of a fight, this includes any specially trained minions, minions with any training at all or combat in any room where I have an advantage. This is only void in a RPG.' Annoying, isn't it."

"Who's Nintendo?" Kammy Koopa questioned.

"Damn it! I've revealed the secrets of the universe! Meh, I kept them longer than Cranky Kong did." Bowser shrugged it off. Kammy Koopa decided not to pry any further.

"Sir, why don't we just use the Kooplings?" She asked. Bowser sighed.

"Well currently there all acting like goths, except for Bowser Jr, for some strange reason he's acting like a mafia/Laywer combination. In short, none will listen to me." Kammy began pondering.

"Maybe you should bride them with the promise of skittles?" She suggested. Bowser sighed.

"Already tried. The Kooplings just gave me cold stares and Bowser Jr sued me." He claimed. The two were interrupted by a stage cough which came from the door, or more precisely, Luigi.

"You know, I've been here for about an hour now." Luigi exclaimed. Upon seeing the plumber, Bowser swore angrily and punched a Goomba who just happened to be passing by. The punching of this particular Goomba was going to set off a chain reaction of events which would result in the entire Mushroom Kingdom being taken over by a flower pot in twenty years, but that tale is not important or interesting, so this is the last you shall here of it.

"Curses! You, L...Lu...something...Lulu? No. errr... You shall never escape from this castle alive!" Luigi's reply to this remark was a laugh which somehow managed to sound like a perfect balance between pure evil and a little girl. It was creepy yet heart melting.

"No Bowser, it is you who shall feel the squishy hand of death upon your bosom!" Luigi remarked. Bowser and Kammy Koopa stared blankly and confused at Luigi. "Let's try that again. I'm going to kill you."

"Oh. Okay. Why?" Bowser asked. Suddenly a suspicious look came upon the King of Koopas' face. "Do you know of my plan?" He asked.

"Sure, why not." Luigi claimed. "But you may want to go into an insane rant, just to make sure I have all the details right." Luigi added. Bowser shrugged.

"Fair enough. You see, I have had my ingenious scientists design me a machine which will give me complete control of everyone's subconscious. Unfortunately, all these scientists were killed in a freak chilli bake off based accident, so I had to replace them with three Goombas of questionable qualifications and some hobo named Bob. Well, when they had finished, their machine gave slightly different results to those planned. By harnessing the power of dairy products between pieces of processed wheat and flour, the machine would alter the delta brainwaves to corrupt all attempts at rational force in the conscious, resulting in drastic alterations to ones persona."

"Wait, what did that last bit mean?" Luigi asked.

"Absolutely nothing, but it sounded intelligent, didn't it? Anyway, the machine makes people act out of character, and is also powered by cheese sandwiches. Using this tech I plan to simply stroll in and take over the entire Mushroom Kingdom with a large army and no one will be able to stop me, because they will be to busy acting completely insane. The slight problem is that my entire army has suddenly stopped fighting and has taken in the opera... say Lu.. Something, sounds like... bob, are you okay?" Bowser realised that Luigi had been in breathing heavily for a while now, not to mention tightly clenched fists and a nonexistent fire reflecting in his eyes.

"You... Stole... My... SANDWICH!" Luigi bellowed at the top of his (and various others) lungs. "Here I was thinking it was going to be Toadsworth. I mean, DIE!"

However, before Luigi could spring into action, we have to take our daily visit to Toadsworth. Yes, I know you want to see the sure to be epic battle between Luigi and Bowser, but I just don't like you enough to give you it yet. Granted, if you are smart you could just read past this section, but then you will be forever haunted by the lack of knowledge regarding psycho Toadsworth's crusade against Peach. Then again you could read past this part, and then read it. I'll be quiet now. Actually I won't, or there will be no story. Speaking of which, I'll continue writing that now.

Toadsworth had finally reached the end of Peach's escape tunnel. The journey had been a long one and filled with unnecessary but fun deaths of numerous Toads. Toadsworth found himself in front of a giant green pipe.

"I wonder why we have to only ever use our warping technology in conjunction with our sewer technology." Toadsworth pondered. He didn't ponder this long though, because Toadsworth's blood lust was getting the better of him. The old manic jumped into the pipe and warped. Thus the name 'warp pipe'. It's all relevant.

Upon the other side, Toadsworth found himself in a dark castle, near by two Toads seemed to be watching the warp pipe Toadsworth has just jumped out of.

"No! What are you talking about? Princess Peach isn't here!" One of the Toads blurted out as soon as he saw Toadsworth.

"You wait for him to ask us first." The other Toad scolded. The first Toad smiled sheepishly.

"You are aware this is Bowser's castle, aren't you?" Toadsworth pointed out to the Toads, one of which was hitting the other over the head with a wooden spoon, an action which somehow knocked the Toad unconscious. After getting the Toads attention by shooting his unconscious comrade with a gun Toadsworth apparently had, he asked his question again.

"Well, what place better to hide the princess than the belly of the enemy?" The Toad reasoned.

"A concrete bunker just outside the Mushroom Kingdom." Toadsworth replied.

"Good point." The Toad claimed, just before he was shot for the simple reason that every other Toad so far has died.

Anyway, back with Luigi, Bowser and Kammy, Luigi had sprung towards Bowser, filled with anger towards the sandwich stealing turtle. Bowser, visually confused, watched as the green plumber flew through the air towards him. The spell keeping Kammy's personality in order had worn off and the magikoop had begun hitting various Koopas over the head with a fold up chair which she had got from somewhere. Luigi drew back his hand in a fist, waited until he was in range of his foe, then was burnt by Bowser's fire breath and fell to the ground smouldering.

"CURSES!" Luigi shouted. Bowser towered over his fallen foe.

"Well, whatever your name is, I have no idea what's going on, but I probably should kill you now." Bowser stated.

"Look! A cancer curing piece of string!" Luigi shouted, pointing out of a window. Bowser raised an eyebrow.

"Great, you've just cheapened the entire feel of this battle by resorting to that." Bowser criticised. Luigi smiled.

"Ah, but by using it, you felt the need to criticise the method, allowing me to get up, and now I'm ready to kick you're ass!" Luigi stated, just before Bowser knocked Luigi back onto the ground with his tail. "Bugger."

"HA! YOU PUNY MAN ARE NOW MATCH FOR THE KOOOOPPPAAASSSSS!" Bellowed Kammy. Bowser sighed and zapped her with the magic wand again. "I'm sorry Lord Bowser, I meant to say that Luigi has succumb to your excellence." Bowser nodded approvingly.

"Now to set this wand down in arms reach of my fallen foe, and then proceed to poke him to death, in preference to just zapping him." Bowser explained, doing so. Luigi sighed.

"In that case I am surly doomed. No man can survive the thousand poke attack, and all I have to defend myself is a wand with the power to destroy my foe and that is in easy reach." It surely looked as if Luigi was doomed (after what has to be the shortest fight in history), but then, just as Bowser was about to attack, The King of Koopas and his witch sidekick found themselves unable to move, as if someone had just of then cast a spell on them.

"I need him alive." A voice claimed. All three in the room looked surprised.

"Who the hell?" Luigi questioned. A laugh echoed.

"Wha ha ha ha ha ha ha. I am the one truly pulling the strings around here, as well as who truly stole your cheese sandwich."

Cliff-hanger! Oh, but before we end, let us quickly catch up with the group of taxi riding characters. Dribble had been driving the group around for quiet awhile before Mona decided to ask a question that had been bugging her for a while.

"Do you even know who this Wart were looking for is?" She asked.

"Nope." Dribble admitted.

"So where are we going?" Mona questioned.

"No idea." The dog answered. "Any more questions?"

"Yeah, why did you throw Spitz out of taxi a mile back?"

"Because he is FUCKING USELESS!" Dribble then realised the environment around them seemed very... lavery. "Say where are we?" He asked.

"Considering we've apparently been driving off in a random direction for so long now, it could be anywhere!" Mona shouted.

"We're in Bowser's domain." Ashley coldly exclaimed, pointing at a sign that read 'welcome to Bowser's castle, please no littering.'

"You know, I feel if some cosmic force has sent us, an old toad, and a plumber all to this location at the same time for some reason." Crygor exclaimed, not noticing the weird looks he was receiving. The Doctor enforced his point by staring into space for a few hours.

"Crygor aside, we probably should enter the castle." Mona reasoned. "Bowser probably will have weapons in there, and we forgot to bring any to kill Luigi with." There was general agreement in the taxi, and the group set off, but not before everyone took advantage of the trance Crygor seemed to be in and beat him up. 


	9. Sandwich stealer! Meany

Disclaimer: I don't own Mario and his various underlings, Nintendo do. 

Authors note: Thanks for all the reviews! You please the review eating pig I keep in the back. Anyway, yes Lady Daisy, I've read Four of the Hitchhikers, and King of Nintendo, I've fixed the Toadsworth thing in all chapters but the first, and about the jungle thing... errr... Time Share? Maybe they changed the name as to not confuse them with the Donkey Konga games? I don't know. Okay, what was I doing? Ah yes, I was inventing cold fusion. Ah screw that, I'll write the next chapter instead.

Luigi, Bowser and Kammy all stared upwards at an all too conveniently placed ledge. A shadowed figure stood above it, watching as Bowser and Kammy squirmed in there nonexistent restraints. Luigi stared up at the figure.

"Who the hell are you? We've run out of interesting characters to blame!" The figure laughed again.

"Oh come on Luigi, surely you recognise..." The figure stepped into the light. "THE WIZARD OF OZ!" Luigi raised an eyebrow.

"But your Waluigi..." He commented.

"I know, I just felt like ripping off one of the reviews." Waluigi explained. Luigi looked more confused than he normally did.

"Review, what the hell are you talking about? And why did that wall over there collapse?" Luigi asked, pointing at a wall which had just collapsed. Bowser's eyes widened in horror.

"He just broke the fourth wall!" Bowser claimed. "That must mean..."

"Yes! I know the secrets of the universe, but not only that, I know much more!" Waluigi exclaimed. Luigi stared blankly trying to understand what was going on.

"Waluigi, do you want to take this from the top?" Luigi asked.

"Fine." Waluigi cleared his throat, and then explained. "When Bowser first fired up his mind altering machine, it had great effects on the meek, rather pointless Waluigi of old. Once a character in the background, I took centre stage, I felt tremendous plans filling my head, the one I'm currently executing being the best. You see, to first abuse such powers, I had to understand where they came from. Bowser was the obvious reason, for he seems to be behind everything these days. Anyway, I found the mind altering machine and at once set to work. I rework it to give me tremendous knowledge of everything, to make Toadsworth a psycho, even making you the dumb ass you are now."

"It all makes sense!" Luigi exclaimed.

"Really?" Bowser questioned.

"Not even a tiny little bit." Luigi replied.

"Teachers talking!" Remarked Waluigi.

"No he isn't..."

"Shut up! I was being metaphorical! Anyway, with Toadsworth trying to kill Peach, the Mushroom Kingdom would soon be leaderless, and with king of the jungle, D.K, a chav, it wouldn't be long before someone killed him, leaving his kingdom wide open. Upon entering there lands and executing a electoral campaign, full of mud slinging, lying and endorsements from former Presidents and actors, they would soon be mine. Now, Bowser has been using magic to stop feeling the effects of the machine, so I have to take this place by force." Waluigi then waved one of Bowser's wands around menacingly.

"So where do I and my sandwich come into this?" Luigi asked. "And where the hell have all the jokes gone since you turned up?"

"Well you see, I wanted Daisy's kingdom, but I made a miscalculation and she imprisoned me. I needed someone to come and kill Daisy for me. Wario was busy with his own plan and Mario was too much of a liability, so you were the only option."

"What about Wart? Or King Boo? Or Gadd?" Luigi asked.

"Who the hell are they?" Waluigi replied. "Anyway, I told one of my minions to take something you would kill to get back. Unfortunately, when you finally got here I had heard of the coming Yoshis, and your part in the plan had become obsolete, so I just used you to escape and, upon realising you were the new King, waited for you to get here before imprisoning all of you for the final part of my plan."

"Wait, I thought the final part of your plan was the election thing?" Luigi remarked. Bowser turned to Luigi.

"You actually understood the plan?" He asked. Luigi shrugged.

"I understood the part where he danced the dance of seven veils for the Toads in the mental asylum perched dangerously above a pit of boiling lava." Waluigi raised an eyebrow.

"That was not part of my plan." Luigi looked shocked.

"Then what does metaphorical mean?" He asked. Waluigi sighed.

"Why do I even bother explaining myself to you?" He questioned.

"Because deep down you just want to be understood?" Luigi suggested.

"That's why I do bad things." Bowser muttered quietly.

"What was that lord Bowser?" Kammy asked.

"I said call all the Koopas! I want all my minions to get in here and kill this lanky tosser!" Bowser ordered.

"Yes master, OY! BASTARDS! GET IN HERE AND SAVE US!" Kammy shouted.

"No." Luigi claimed. "I will defeat this menace by myself. It is my duty. As King of the kingdom I don't know the name of, as a man who has seen the many random horrors that Waluigi has caused, and most importantly, as the avenger of a cheese sandwich!" For some strange reason no one can actually understand, the Superman theme song began playing while Luigi talked. This is wired for a number or reasons, firstly, his short speech had absolutely nothing to do with Superman, secondly it didn't actually fit all that well, and finally there was nothing that could play music nearby. Needless to say, no one was impressed. At all. Not even a little bit. Hell, not even the Koopa who was impressed when he found a stone that was imperfectly round was impressed. In case you're wondering, the Koopa heard him when Bowser's army all barged in, even those affected by the mind altering machine.

"Those who have seen your face, draw back in fear!" A small group sang somewhere near the back. Bowser groaned.

"Forgot about those guys, anyway, my army, destroy the purple wearing plumber!" Bowser shouted, pointing at Waluigi.

"YES SIR!" The Goombas, Koopas and odd Shyguy Replied. Then they all ran out of the room towards Bob, the slightly homosexual plumber's office. Bowser slapped himself in the face.

"Be more precise, be more precise..." Bowser scolded himself. Waluigi laughed an oddly high pitched laugh.

"This is too easy." Waluigi's smile stretched so far across his face it looked like it would fall off, in fact, in three years it would, but that's a different story for a different time. Actually, it's unlikely to ever be told, as it is very uneventful, and despite giving an insight to the married life of Luigi's hat, is very dull. "Now you shall see the true power I have gained thanks to altering my mind." Waluigi threatened, snapping his fingers.

"My god! He has learnt how to click his fingers!" Luigi shouted.

"He turned Bowser into a monster!" Kammy shrieked, pointing at Bowser, who had somehow changed into Giga Bowser.

"RAAAAAAAARRHHH!" Screamed Giga Bowser.

"Dude." Luigi remarked, he then turned to Waluigi. "Okay, now make me Giga Luigi!"

"RAAAAAAAARRHHH!" Agreed Giga Bowser. Waluigi grumbled loudly and began shouting.

"For goodness sake! Can't you see I have the powers of the universe!" Luigi rolled his eyes.

"So? Bowser had the powers of the universe once as well, but he got a star with a moustache involved, a moustache! How cool is that?" Waluigi started rubbing his temples in frustration.

"RAAAAAAAARRHHH!" Suggested Giga Bowser.

"Later. For now, I have a certain green clad retard to, how should I put this, kill in a very gruesome manner." Waluigi eyes sparkled under his hat. Luigi would have gulped if he was paying attention, but he was too busy watching the group of Koopas playing out the sword fight from Phantom of the Opera. Kammy Koopa threw her arms in the air.

"We're doomed! Oh, only a miracle can save us now!" Just as she hollered those words, Toadsworth barged into the room, shooting wildly.

"DIE PRINCESS!" Kammy looked sceptically at Toadsworth, then up at the ceiling.

"That's the best miracle you can muster?" She complained. Toadsworth looked around the room.

"Oh great, that's the sixth room I've wrongly barged into while shooting wildly and shouting 'die princess'." Toadsworth complained.

"RAAAAAAAARRHHH!" Commented Giga Bowser.

"YANABLAGHBLAGHBLAGHBLAGH!" Replied Toadsworth.

"RAAAAAAAARRHHH!" Retorted Giga Bowser.

"YANABLAGHBLAGHBLAGHBLAGH!" Claimed Toadsworth.

"RAAAAAAAARRHHH!" Argued Giga Bowser.

"YANABLAGHBLAGHBLAGHBLAGH!" Suggested Toadsworth.

"Stop that now!" Waluigi shouted. "You two can have an argument about the current political structure and what place religion has in the hotdog industry later! Right now I want to know why you're here Toadsworth!" Luigi let out a single laugh. A 'ha', if you will.

"Isn't it obvious that Toadsworth realised his deep feelings towards Waluigi, and ran all the way here to announce said feelings before Waluigi boards the plain to Mexico with his fiancé?" What followed were a lot of confused faces and a chorus of 'ewww'. Luigi turned his nose up to everyone else, whatever that means. I've tried to turn up my nose, it is impossible, hell, I can't even turn the thing down. Anyway, Luigi did whatever it is. "You are all closed minded. In this day and age can't we accept the union of a hundred year old mushroom and a lanky plumber who is trying to do something I don't understand?"

"To be quite frank, I don't think such a question has ever been asked before." Toadsworth commented. "Also I'm here because I followed Princess Peach, who I'm going to kill, to this place."

"RAAAAAAAARRHHH!" Bellowed Giga Bowser, who then punched Toadsworth. For some strange reason this only resulted in Toadsworth squirming and shouting some random nonsense. Waluigi lost his patience and snapped his fingers. Giga Bowser promptly disappeared.

"Right! Now, if there aren't any more distractions..." As soon as Waluigi shouted this, a taxi burst into the room. Mona, Dr Crygor, Dribble and Ashley burst out, all holding some sort of automatic gun, except Crygor, who for some reason was holding a banana split. Waluigi threw his arms into the air and went to find a wall to whack his head against.

"FREEZE LUIGI!" Dribble shouted, pointing accusingly at Toadsworth. Toadsworth moved out of the way, so that he was in fact pointing at Luigi.

"You will pay for what you did to my Wario!" Mona added. She then went a rhubarb colour. "By which I mean your Wario... Errrr... his Wario... ah screw it, just die." Both Toadsworth and Kammy Koopa wisely took a step away from Luigi, who was looking slightly more gormless than he normally did, which is saying something.

"What did I do to Wario? Last I remember I left him with a laser that was about to blow up, is he still sore about that?" He asked.

"No, you have somehow turned the Wario we all know and love... I mean like, into something... different..." Mona replied. Luigi let out a relived sigh.

"Oh, that wasn't me, that was Lanky Kong over there." Luigi claimed, pointing at Waluigi. Oddly enough, at that exact time, deep in the Kongo jungle/Bongo/whatever, Lanky Kong suddenly stood up in a middle of a game of 'shove bananas up Chunky Kong's nose' and, for no apparent reason, remarked:

"I resent that comment." No one is quite sure why he said that, no one really cares, but for three years after that incident, Lanky seemed to have the ability to read peoples minds. It stopped after the three years because Dixie Kong killed him for various reasons, one being to get the haunted, cancer curing piece of string that Lanky was in possession of at the time. However, like ninety six percent of this story, this has no relevant to anything (unless you're Lanky I suppose).

Waluigi stared down at the shambles of a group with a mix of anger, resentment, pity, hunger and foundation on his face.

"Fine, so now I'll have to get rid of Luigi, the Toad and those Wario people, then the world will practically be mine. Unless Birdo is going to burst through the door or something." Waluigi remarked.

"Well fuck you then!" Shouted Birdo, who then left the room.

"Actually 9-Volt doesn't seem to be here." Mona pointed out.

"That's because I fed him to a lion." Ashley explained.

"Oh, okay."

"Fine, whatever, can I just kill you all now?" Waluigi asked.

"Give us five minutes" Asked Luigi. Wluigi shrugged and looked at his watch. Luigi turned to Toadsworth and the Wario Ware characters. "Okay, I think I have a plan on how to defeat this guy!" Toadsworth looked confused.

"Wait, were trying to defeat this guy now?" Toadsworth asked.

"I can't see why not." Dribble claimed.

"Anyway, all we have to do is find the machine that is changing everyone's personalities, then turn it off!" Luigi explained, looking proud of himself for figuring out what to do, even though Kammy had actually figured it out earlier, but only Luigi had heard her. In fact she had gone to turn it off, but had succumbed to the wrestler personality on the way there and was too busy body slamming Koopas to turn the machine off. "Now all we need is someone to be a decoy and make sure Waluigi doesn't follow us..." It was then Luigi realised everyone had already buggered off. "Ah crap."

"Alright, time is up." Waluigi announced, time to die.

"Wait!" Luigi shouted, trying to think of some way to distract the purple menace. "Wouldn't you prefer to... play monopoly?" Luigi reasoned, holding out a monopoly board. Waluigi raised an eyebrow.

"Where did you get that?"

"I carry one around with me in case of emergences, are you telling me you don't?" Luigi looked somewhat shocked.

"Well in any case, I hate monopoly, it makes no sense! I mean, a metal shoe can own a red hotel with no door and charge extortion to a car that stands outside said hotel for five minutes! How does that work!" However, before Luigi could answer, Waluigi jumped onto him and pinned our poor hero to the ground. Now when I say 'our poor hero', that is not to say Luigi is our property, strapped for cash or heroic. In fact, that sentence was very misleading, I apologise to all those I have surely somehow killed with this claim. Anyhow, to those who haven't been somehow killed by my lies, you probably like to know that Waluigi grabbed Luigi by the neck and held him high.

"Now Luigi, it is time you die." Luigi looked around confused, realising a cliff-hanger when he sees one.

"This isn't the final chapter?" This claim completely annihilated the fourth wall.


End file.
